Puking Pink!

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Well I have 13 days until school resumes. It will be a year since starting the dissertation process and my frustration has pretty much got me to the point of telling the whole shebang to FOff! I have finally changed topic and my thoughts now are: “Let’s make this quick, I’ve got life to live!” I am sure my other colleagues working on the “Big D” have frustrations, but I actually feel like cussing everyone and everything out related to this unnecessarily horrid process. I do not believe it needed to take so long to point out the topic was not working, and I take responsibility for not just going with my intuitive rumblings earlier in the process. So I am onto the topic of appalling disservice of pinking girls, i.e. women stupid/submissive. Personally I believe “pink power” is an absolute oxymoron! Do I hate the color pink? No! I am not psychopathic or cued unreasonably by any color unless drowned in it for ulterior motives. I have long suspected something was “Rotten in Demark” (Shakespeare ref.), when I read that ditty as a little girl:

“…Little boys are made of snips and snails

And puppy dogs’ tails,

That’s what little boys are made of.

Little girls are made of sugar and spice

And everything nice,

That’s what little girls are made of.” Original attributed to Robert Southey (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/What_Are_Little_Boys_Made_Of%3F)

I remember as a little girl wondering “who said they are????” no one gave me an answer and most people thought it odd that I would ask. Of course the fact I often was filthier than my brothers when returning from outdoor play left most of the women in my family too aghast to answer my life affirming questions (of which my mother told me were excessive! My disgust at being pigeon holed for the purposes of pre-judgment of my personality, abilities, and background overflowed and has yet to be contained. While I respect traditions and rituals for their place in history, I do not believe in blind obedience to them above understanding and better knowledge. Yes bloodletting was utilized medicinally, but does one really need one for a bad haircut or the pain from erroneous bruising? My point? Why is society perpetrating the shameful manipulation of the female gender with a color now practically synonymous with representations of the XX chromosomes? Pink is yes, a pretty color, but what does it do to my brain when it’s been thrown up in every corner of my world suggesting I comply with all that is associated. Such as the following list of “Pink attributes:”

  • Calm
  • Hope
  • Warriors
  • Rose
  • Lesbianism
  • Homosexuality
  • Friendly
  • Excitement
  • Tranquilizing
  • Strength
  • Sweet
  • Hallucinations
  • Termination
  • Serration
  • Women only positions

How about I pick my own damned color and determine my own course of life. Maybe I don’t want to be sugar, spice, or anything nice…ever!

So Much For Community!

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Tried to post this to the school “community” group, wouldn’t let me…hmm maybe it’s the content of my musings.  Well it was the truth anyhow:

I am curious about the community here, when I think of my experiences at Walden.  It’s hard to see the cohesion that has been suggested since day one of the orientation class.  All the support we were told to access seemed to be missing.  My expectations were raised when I started, believing there would be a nurturing atmosphere, but that simply did not take place with most of the instructors.  I nearly fell in love with the first one who emulated positive strokes to all of us in class, not because of any real “love” feelings but because he seemed more human than many of the professors that came before him. The Department heads and an advisor who suggested that Walden mistakes were part of the doctoral process (really mistakes are what give you doctor-ship?) baffled me.  My friends and family were worried for me after a teacher tried to claim I cheated and refused to show me what paper I had cheated off.  Later after strong-arming me to accept demerits for that paper, I learned that I had apparently “cheated” off myself.  Oh yeah turnitin had some glitches, but hey it’s all part of the doctorate process! My friends and family love to laugh at the thought of my cheating, which is against every cell of my being, but I learned from the event.  I never wrote about that particular subject again, for fear I might somehow sound like myself for having the same psychological concerns of a social deviancy that I was researching.  It is interesting to note that less than a year later I submitted two papers into turnitin by mistake and alerted the professor and techs who all tried to tell me I had not.  When they finally took the time to look even they wanted to know why turnitin did not suggest plagiarism, despite showing 100 % originality for each submission (which were the same paper)!  All these crazy inconsistencies wore my spirit down and I finally decided the best option was to get done and get out as soon as possible.  I get it though.  Just because someone suggests you should deposit all your trust in them does not mean you should do it. Despite being in my early 50’s, I grew up at Walden and learned the only person I really can trust is myself, while keeping my eyes and ears open for unintentional flaws that crop up in life.

 

While this may seem rather dark and brooding, actually I am better for my experiences.  I believe there is  credibility with the Walden process originally intended by the first teachers who developed this school.  I also recognize that titles don’t create ethics or care in doing one’s job.  The professors that were great became so much more inspirational and it set them apart from the faceless myriad of adjuncts who took no time to make a mark on my classmates and me.  The Walden experience starts and ends with you, not a teacher, textbook, or class.  If a student looks to be pushed along, coddled, or “nurtured” by Walden, they are likely to find deep disappointment or worse.  They might foolishly allow those misguided expectations to distract them from their goals of a degree.  While I am not the perfect student, I am definitely most perfectly me.  I maintain my feisty personality, positive outlook and bounce back from all hits, which I have endured or may encounter in the future with Walden or anyone else.  Learning self-reliance is a big gift in life, whether it in academics, professional careers, or social and personal relationships.  Certainly I am not suggesting people traverse life as lonely bastions of mistrust, but pay heed to your strengths, and build up your “sea-legs” so that you can sail brilliantly to any destination you have the passion to seek.

 

So community, cohesion…I would gladly enjoy it, expectations notwithstanding.

Wanting OUT!

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As this result from a test shows spot on for me…

No.1 Opalite

You seek freedom, somewhere peaceful to calm your senses and hear your inner voice. Have you been feeling stressed and disconnected? Do you feel unsure of your path ahead and crave time alone to think? As this cloudy stone suggests, your vision is obscured by the hum drum of daily life and some alone time is called for. It’s not necessarily that anything is ‘wrong’ with your life, but perhaps you feel it is running you rather than the other way around. As we approach the dawn of a new year, find time (if just for an afternoon) to assess things. You may discover when you think about your goals, you are in fact moving successfully towards them. When we spend quiet moments in contemplation the vibration of our body changes. It allows inspirational thoughts to pop into our head out the blue (this stone is associated with angel communication). Deep down you sense a connection with the ‘other side’, and they are waiting to talk to you and give you guidance.

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The prospectus is now being redone; I’m angry and bothered and feel that every component to getting this done has let me down, including myself. My perspective is suspicious, untrusting and likely to be somewhat combative with all involved from this point forward. Next week I meet with the Chair to discuss the old topic and the new prospectus that I am currently doing as well. At this point I don’t even care about the topic, I just want to be done. While I’m acquiring different theories I’m looking at the easiest and quickest research I can do in the least amount of time. My love affair with making an impact with my “Big D” topic has ended miserably; now I just want away from everything that has kept me from real life in the ten years. I am sad about it, but like a slave who takes their one shot by leaving their loved ones running and escaping to freedom sometimes you have to leave your loved one to live!a852-590x200

Long Road Destitution

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Got my hands slapped on “The Big D” and I felt horrible, not to mention I’ve felt so horrible all summer with the heat and the inability to think clearly or cool down my home or my body. I was rather sickly all summer and was why I didn’t blog practically at all. Today the new quarter started and I’m so nervous about it I didn’t sleep AGAIN! I must change my perspective before I end up missing my target graduation date. I am changing up my prospectus and topic this quarter. I’m going to assume everything up till now is just junk. I was told I have to do this completely on my own even though I suggested using a Dissertation coach, but that led to my being told I have to do it alone. It bothered me at the suggestion that I would ever have someone else do my work for me, which I believe is inherently unethical. Maybe the chair didn’t mean to suggest this, still I felt discouraged and sad. I received an unsatisfactory grade for last quarter, for which I agree since I was barely functioning, but it still doesn’t make one feel good. Normally I would cook something to help me feel redeemed, but even that seems overwhelming and fraught with potential failure. I’ve made my meager submission at the beginning of the quarter and am re-reading the dissertation manual that was assigned. Later I’ll get my research back in gear and expand it or retool it towards a broader hypothesis. I’m not sure if it’s “legal” to change topics, but I’ve lost confidence in my work so far. I am tired; I might just start my sleep when I’m done here. The dogs are out; I may as well be. This is a long road of destitution and according to my chair I’m walking this road alone. Too bad today I just feel like sitting on the side of the road and crying. I’m just too tired to garner some tears.

One-Quarter Past

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I’ve started to glide into my dissertation now that I’m in the second quarter of it. I must complete at least five quarters before I finish according to school policy. Still, if I can get things picked up and moving quickly then I might have a shot of completing it before then. Hey I can dream bigger than the school as long as it works for my State licensing board. Now that all my “classes” are completed, it’s all dissertation work. Except for a few Coursera.org classes that I believe will help with the formulation of my dissertation data and proposal, things are so much more relaxed. I actually got my work for the week done and now it’s reading, reading, and more reading. The Coursera.org class requires reading of about 1 novel a week, which God help me I have been craving since I started graduate school—the time to read something other than textbooks! There’s a lot changing in my being, I can feel it in my spirit as sharp as a 10-inch blade. Finally since 2008 I feel like I can BREATHE!

They were Right About Loving Your Big “D”

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I have to admit I’m feeling just a little bit tired of trying to work things into the limitation of the Alien Anthology for women and science fiction films…but I believe there is something very important here. I may just have to submit my prospectus without being certain how it all will work. Oh I suspect I will be reworking this Big “D” for some time…I think I will go back to the first movie with a different perspective, maybe look at things from the Alien’s viewpoint instead of human society. This is what Dissertation work is all about right? Right…who the heck knows!

Is Frustration My Friend?

Frustration

 

When I’m overwhelmed with things to do, amazingly I complete more. When I have less, I am practically useless. I just wonder when I’ll manifest that happy medium. It’s like my life is one big twisted crazy obstacle course of falling dominos! Everything that needs to be done needs to be done before something else needs to be done and thus NOTHING gets done! I feel my progress getting jumbled and my sleep; well it’s simply not mine! Today I had obligations, squeaked by with both of them, not necessarily pleasant like either. The Big D is bothering me as I read more about film, women, stereotypes and points of view non-biased. I feel like most of the work I read is feminist bent.  Okay I get it, women have been repressed or are treated rather negatively in practically every way, shape, or form possible, but why must all theory regarding women in science fiction be feministic put downs.

 

Maybe it’s just simply people never taking the time to actually think about the utility of those sans penis. I mean if you really think about thing from the physiological side, both sexes started out with the same penis and balls or clitoris and ovaries they just differentiated with hormonal upswings. So the male ovaries descended like men in old WWII gunnery pits and female balls ascended above the uterine cavity. The penis of women remained relatively tiny (though it packs a serious sensation punch!) and the male clitoris grew (hopefully, according to the constant comparative habits of the male species and the fallacious belief size matters beyond a McDonald’s Grossly oversized meal). Who really cares of you have a bigger Cadillac if you don’t know how to drive it??? —Moving on I think this “us and them” attitude of humans is ridiculous. The greater picture is this: it’s actually ALL of us and if one of us is hurting or mistreated or denigrated we all are it simply reflects no matter how you look at it. Ah…. Frustration must be my friend, lover or something she/he is always underfoot!